Thursday, February 23, 2012

Skippy Says: 16 Weeks (Pregnancy Journal)

16 Weeks

Dear baby,

Today you've been in my belly for 16 weeks. Well, in truth it's actually 14 weeks since the doctors count these things all weird, but regardless I'm 16 weeks pregnant and you're officially the size of an avocado. And you're a California avocado, which makes you the most delicious of all the avocados. I can't wait to gobble you up, but unfortunately I have to wait 24 more weeks. 40 minus 16 is 24, right? Remember that I asked that question before you think of coming to me to help with your math homework. That will be daddy's domain.

You and I spent the last few weeks traveling in Israel without daddy because he has to work. When I got back a few nights ago, he looked a little disappointed when he saw me. I asked him what was wrong, and he pouted before answering that he though my belly would be bigger by now. Um, I think it's plenty big, thank you very much. And I'm pretty sure all the clothes that no longer come anywhere close to fitting me would agree. As soon as we got home from the airport, daddy turned me sideways and proceeded to examine me from all angles. When we went to bed, he slept with his hand cradling you all night.

I was hoping today would be the day we would go and find out your gender, but daddy ended up having a deposition at work that won't be out until well after the doctor's office is closed. I suggested going by myself and then calling him with the news, but, well, that didn't fly.

Last night I dreamt I was driving in the snow, and drove over some black ice, spinning out of control. My first instinct was fear for my life, and then I remembered I was pregnant and was terrified for you. I felt like a horrible mother, that my first thought was about me and not you, and the guilt woke me right up. You'll quickly learn that this guilt thing is a pretty big part of me. But I can't help it, I'm Jewish, it's in my blood. As it will be in yours. I had a hard time going back to sleep, and couldn't shake the horrible feeling that I selfishly thought of myself before I thought of you. I suppose it's the role I'm used to playing. For the last 26 years, your grandma and grandpa have always put me before themselves in everything that they do; in every choice that they make. I have been the selfish child, and they have been the selfless parents. I always thought that when the time came for me to have you, I would effortlessly morph into the selfless parent role that the selfish part of me would magically disappear, and that I would automatically think of you before me by pure instinct. But that dream left me terrified that I might not. What if this selfless impulse, this inclination that I consider to be the crux of good parenting, isn't as natural for me as it was for them?


  1. This was really sweet. Your letter proves that you're going to be a perfect mother, Inna :)

  2. Just by writing this letter you have already proven to be an amazing mama, and your little one isn't even born yet! So sweet. Thank you for sharing!

  3. Such a lovely letter, I'm pretty sure your baby will love to read it in some years. I'm glad you both are ok after the car incident.

  4. This was so sweet :) You will be an amazing mum!

  5. Inna you are going to be a wonderful mother. So sorry to hear that Ryan couldn't make it to the ultrasound today! The nightmare was scary I am sure, but luckily living in CA you won't have to drive in snow....I think I know what you are having btw! But...I'll wait for you to tell us ;)

  6. haha aw so sweet! It's nice that he will encouraging about a growing belly! i know that even though it's a pregnant's still hard to adjust to getting least..that is what i've heard :) no babies here...yet!

  7. WHOA WHOA WHOA look what I miss out on when I don't blog for a month. CONGRATULATIONS, Inna!!

    And please don't fret over your dream. Pregnancy brings on some really crazy dreams so if anything get use to them. Lots of cool experiences ahead I'm so happy for you and your Hubs.


  8. Heartfelt post! I'm sure that all the love you've received in your life from your selfless parents has perfectly prepared you to be a loving mama. :)

  9. oh...what a truthful and honest post. Please don't be too hard on yourself Inna. Maternal feelings don't come overnight, and you're just 16 weeks pregnant ;-) I'm sure when your baby comes along, your maternal instincts will come naturally. I remember from the time we first heard the baby's heartbeat to the time the baby was born it was such a wonderful journey. When we first held our first born, it was an amazing feeling, it suddenly dawned on me at that very moment that we are real parents! I am sure you will be a good mommy Inna! Just enjoy your pregnancy and the time with your hubby!


  10. This was very sweet to read and very open and honest I think you'll be a wonderful Mom and Ryan too.

    This is kid is going to be super lucky to have amazing parents. Can't wait to find out what you're having :)


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